still young blooded, afterall

Okay. Calm down. Don't get too emotional and do things on impulse and in anger. 

Friends?

Yknow one of those mornings, whereby you feel so free from any burden because you've studied for exams and whats not, you have nothing to chase after...ah yeap exactly that calm morning it is right now was.

So I was on my blogger's dashboard. Yknow how they show you your old blogs etc, welllllllllll, I decided to click on the oldest of all, which was the blog all the way back in 2008. I was practically just scrolling down till I decided to stop and randomly read one..............

It wasn't even halfway through, I just can't make myself read any further. I wanted to laugh at how stupid those blog posts are, but rather I feel so much pain in the heart, that then had led me thinking about some other stuffs too.

How easily we are influenced by friends, those peer pressure. Friends, they really do play big roles in our lives, especially in those adolescent years. They mold you to be who you are. Ahhh, you get it right?

Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه و سلم said: “The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows. So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him.” - Bukhari & Muslim

I hope to be a better friend.

“All You Who Sleep Tonight”, Vikram Seth

".....but everything you know is wrong"

“She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.” 

— Neil Gaiman

delusion illusion no

...bulan mengembang, sinar cahayanya membimbing jalan. Walaupun sudah larut malam, kami pun duduk bersembang lalu bertukar pendapat dan ilmu yang diraih. Dia pula menceritakan tentang alam kubur. Aku...hanya mampu duduk tercengang, diam dalam ketakutan mengenang nasib diri. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm denying whats right, or rather, whats real. I feeeel like I'm gonna live forever, I'm never gonna die....... But when news of someone else's death reached to you, you snapped out of your hallucination and realised.........that you're just gonna end the same; lifeless, dead.

It bothers me how we are I am not doing much but expect even much more from God. If you want God's paradise, surely you need to put in the substantial efforts, right? You don't laze around and do stuffs against God's orders. Don't even dream about being in there.

Besides, what I meant was, scholars of the past time (if you've ever read any), had their sleep 1/3 of the night, while the next 1/3 is for worship to God while the rest of it is to study/ revise/ learn/ write books. While we, as normal human beings....that barely have anything? We rarely or we don't even stand to face our Lord in the darkness of the night, we occasionally read the Quran, we study for the sake of exams and lose it all after that, we simply barely even do justice to ourselves, whats more contribute back to the society.

Erk? Now now, shouldn't we just drop our heads in shame? T___T Gotta work harder now. I feel I'm short lived. Hi, I'm ephemeral *wags eyebrows*

sorry but no

I used to love music; muse/ jamming/ guitars/ drums/ bands/ screamos/ metal/ RNB/ hiphop/ jazz (and the list goes on). You name it. I loved every single thing about it. I loved it so much that the last thing I used to hear before bed was music, and the first thing when I wake up wld be the same too. It felt like in my own zone, in my own world. It was nice, but never was it calming. It was there to give a peace of mind from all problems, but never the peace of the soul. 

It was like, come and sit with me, and we can sing all day. Come and sit with me, we can strum the guitar all the way. (But honestly, I do not know how to sing and play the guitar! My friends used to teach me, but I lost it all along the journey!)

But, I call it all quits now when I got myself into a new school, a new environment, new people, new teachers, new system, new education. Prolly the word new ain't quite exact, but new is just something different, isn't it? So everything was all......different. I got a (kind of) culture shock. I mean, to be from where I was to where I am now. To change my life 360 degrees completely was smth I didnt expect or even want to but at the same time, nothing of my regrets. 

So right now, I've friends who are still in that aspect of life and are inviting me to their performances. I used to be there for them, cheering them on, feeling the pride of "YEAAP! THAT'S MY FRIEND UP THEREE! MYYYY FRIENDD!", but I guess, everything has changed now.

"Please come down and support me!", she persistently asked me, a few times now. 

I wish I could, cried myself from the inside, but NO! I tried to crack a smile but erk... :/ 

"Said youre my friend! So you've to come down and support me!", she tried once again as I guess my face just simply spelt obvious reluctance.

Gosh.. I am sorry, my friend. I wish I cld be there for you like old times. But things aren't the same anymore. 

But know that, I'll be your support, your backbone, in nothing except goodness that bring you success in this worlddddd and the forgotten Hereafter.

Old promises broken. Old friends gone. 

Only.....

Old memories stay.

gotta run faster now

Run! Run faster!
Faster than ever
As fast as possible

You're nearly there
to the finishing line

Just run with all your might

Enjoy the race

Feel the temperature rising
Feel the wind blowing in your face
Feel the sweat trickling down your spine

Just run. And keep on running.
Don't stop, don't give up.

I'll be at the end, waiting

But till then,

Keep running

fly free like a bird

Yknow at times when you feel like the problems you're facing are just compressing your lungs, strangling your esophagus, and all you feel is you're suffocating? But as you desperately gasped for air, all you managed was just a wheezing sound coming from yourself that you heard it out loud and clear, then you opened your eyes and found yourself in darkness. Tried to reach for the skies but realising that you are actually trapped in a locked box. 

What's the next step, then?

Aku Ingin Berubah tapi....

Kehidupan hanya sementara

Apa guna seringkali berfoya

Seringkali bersorak gembira

Tetapi nanti di Akhirat sana

Semuanya berbalik kepada kita

Kita yang akan merasakan seksa neraka

Api neraka menjilat kita dari seluruh arah

Perasaan takut dan kesal mula timbul dalam hatinya

"Aku ingin berubah!", teriak dirinya

Niat di hati berbolak balik setiap masa

Dia takut kehilangan kawannya

Dan apa pula akan dikatakan keluarganya?

Dan siapa pula mahu membimbingnya?

Perasaan bimbang menyelubungi hatinya

Berkecamuk juga pemikirannya

Dia resah, dia mahu sahaja berputus asa

Tetapi kerana Allah dia ingin berubah

Maka Allah memberinya kawan-kawan yang baik-baik belaka

Yang seringkali mendorong dan sentiasa berada di sisinya

Mula lah dia meningkatkan keimanannya

Basah lidahnya dengan dzikr kepada Rabbnya

Al Quran menjadi peneman dirinya

Alhamdulillah, that took me quite a while to come out with that. So yesterday was Fatayat MKS first ever biggest event. We have these monthly usrah events, whereby we girls will gather at the mosque, reciting the Quran and reading/pondering/contemplating its meaning as well as a small discussion/exchanging of knowledge. 

So yesterday's usrah topic was : "Aku Ingin Berubah tapi...(I wanna change but....)". Such an overwhelming response by the youths out there. SubhanAllah. Little did we know that there are many who wanted to change but just prolly do not know how, or they fear certain things, hence the reluctance in making the next step. (The first step is to have good intention. In sya Allah, with that good intention of yours and doing things the right way, Allah will ease your path to become a better Muslim(ah).)

Many new faces with unexpected stories/experiences/background. SubhanAllah.

"What's your turning point?"

"I think, this is my turning point"

Alhamdulillah. Indeed, Allah is the best of All Planners. 

& I wish to to continue telling you guys how amazing it was! 

But I am running out of time! Till next time, in sya Allah :)

Jaga hati, jaga iman

Allahul musta'an

meh

And sometimes you wish how free you would feel with no hijab on your head, having the wind blowing in your face and through your hair, or maybe bunned it up would make it look prettier, no baggy clothes too, just yknow, those skimpy clothing, scantily clad, grabbing every inch of you, wouldn't that be pretty you thought. Or prolly a short dress or a mini skirt, showing everything that you have, and no socks too, just your flip-flops maybe and bare feet, and getting all the lustful stares & attention.

Then you realised how that would put your dignity and chastity at risk.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, decently well covered, with hijab on your head, loosely clothed, feet covered, you gave yourself a nod, a smile and a pat on your own back. 

"Wow!", you exclaimed in delight, and in gratitude, for all these while you thought that Islam was oppressing women by asking them to cover, but little did you realise that it was just a means of protecting their women.

Allahul musta'an.

fuh mendalam kata-katanya

"Jika rembulan telah sempurna di malam hari, 

kau lihat ia memiliki keistimewaan yang jelas dari rembulan itu.

Senyumannya menyibak gigi yang indah, 

laksana mutiara,yang terpendam di kedalam samudera.
Andai alas kaki yang dipakai menginjak kerikil,

nescaya dakan tumbuh bunga daripadanya.

Kau boleh mengikat pinggangnya,

yang laksan dahan raihan berdaun hijau lebat.

Kalau saja ludahnya yang manis itu jatuh ke laut,

nescaya air laut itu menjadi minuman yang baik bagi penduduk darat."

right brain dominant

I love photography, photographs and photographers. While many would just say "Stop taking pictures! Enjoy the scenary!", I would turn on deaf ears and continue clicking away on the camera. Pssshhhh. Its amazing how different angles capture different side of the scenery, telling different kind of stories. I love how all of these just tell stories on their own without having to add in any caption or explanation. 

Indeed, to each, his own. 

:B

Stayed up all night. Now its raining at 6.55am. I am so tempted to go back under the comfort of warm blankets. Ahhhhhhhhh.

Ahabbakalladzi ahbabtanii lahu

I remember it so vividly, like it happened just yesterday. It was on a calming Sunday morning dated 16 May 2010. I didn't have any classes on that day but I was awake early. I just felt this need to type out the contents of my heart as I was feeling very happy, so I switched on my laptop, laid down on the floor and started typing out whatever I felt, and this was what I came out with ;

"In the name of Allah i write this poem

to express my feelings on my friendship with them

In the name of Allah we are friends

In the name of Allah we are sisters

In the name of Allah we meet

And in the name of Allah we disperse

Can't you see our strong ukhuwah?

Can't you see my love for you is because of Him?

Can't you see the fact that i was here?

Can't you see the fact that i am still here?

Why fret, when Allah's with us

Laa tahzan, innAllaha ma'ana

Dear sisters, ive never felt this love so strong before

for you had taught me to love in His name

Dear sisters, youre the best ever

I appreciate every little things you do

Every little things youve taught me

Every little things youve corrected me

Oh Allah, i am indeed dhoif and naive

Oh Allah, love them because i love them because of You

Oh Allah, pls protect this friendship

bcause this friendship is worth than all the marjan in the world

as this friendship was built in Your name 

Ameen Ya Rabb"

Then I tagged one by one of those sisters, wanting to show some gratitude to them, a poem (?!) specially dedicated for them, I thought. As I was enjoying in the beautiful feeling, immersed in the sweetness I never have felt before, suddenly my handphone rang. I received a call.......... A call that broke my heart into thousands of pieces.........................(till now) T_T

".....sudah kembali ke rahmatullah", she said, trying to recompose herself.

"BEDEK AHH!", I cried in disbelief.

News about a friend's death is not something I would want to hear early on a Sunday morning, especially after typing out my heart's contents and tagging everyone in hopes to get a reply from her as well. I immediately ran to my mom who was in the kitchen, told her about the heart wrenching news, quickly got ready and out from the house I went.

Throughout the journey, I tried to remain calm and composed. But being the person I am, somebody who lovesssss to bottle up her feelings, I broke down so bad, all the time, all the way -_- It was so bad, my eyes got swollen till the very next day T_T Astaghfirullah

Indeed, innaa lillahi wa innaa ilaihi raji'un. 

From Him we came and to Him we all will return.

berangan sekejap je

Saya ingin menamakan anak-anak saya Muhammad Khaleel, Muhammad Rafeeq, Muhammad Sohab, Muhammad Sodeeq dan juga Muhammad Zameel. Saya merasakan bahawasanya nama-nama ini amatlah bermakna buat saya kerana dalam kehidupan kita saling perlu memerlukan kepada kawan-kawan yang baik. Nama-nama yang telah disebut di atas, pada penjelasan pendek, semuanya bermaksud kawan. Tetapi, tahap keakraban seseorang kawan itu kepada diri kita berbeza bagi kesemua nama-nama itu. Indah bukan bahasa Arab? :)

Bagi anak perempuan pula, suka sangat kepada nama Ghumaisa', Ummu 'Ammarah, Khadijah dan A'iesyah. Nama-nama ini hanya segelintir daripada nama-nama wanita-wanita yang paling terhebat di dunia yang pernah hidup. Perjuangan mereka, keimanan mereka, pengorbanan mereka dll. Tetapi saya paling suka kepada nama Umm 'Ammarah, mungkin kerana keberanian dan kegagahan yang ada pada diri Umm 'Ammarah. Ma sya Allah :)

Saya ingin melahirkan anak-anak yang jiwa singa untuk terus menegakkan agamaNya sepertimana sahabat-sahabat & sahabiyyah-sahabiyyah Rasulullah salallahu 'alaihi wa salam pernah lakukan, baik bagi yang lelaki mahupun perempuan. 

Boleh kan? Heh in sya Allah. Doakan sahaja.

mungkin sahaja

Ingin ku katakan kepadamu :

Wahai sahabtku, mungkin aku yang akan pergi dahulu. Mungkin aku tidak akan berada disismu seperti dahulu kala. Apa yang telah aku berikan kepadamu, akan menjadi kenangan indah kami bersama. Kehadiranku mungkin tidak sehebat dan berkesan dibandingkan dengan yang lain, tetapi aku harap persahabatan yang selama ini telah kami jalinkan bermanfaat buat dirimu. Ingatilah aku melalui doamu. 

Does the word 'unbearable' really exists? What about Allah 'azza wa jalla said in the Quran that He will never burden anyone more than what he can bear? Pain, its true. But the pain we feel is bearable. So to think of it again, we are mmm...strong, aren't we? 

its empty

Letting the calming silence of nature coming to terms with yourself, you then realised you are nothing but just an empty vessel. Suddenly a strong gush of wind blew right through you, and the hollowness of yourself could be heard. 

renungan........

Wanita, banyak sangat berbicara yang kosong. Perbualan yang tiada faedah, yang tidak bermanfaat pula. Sering kali hidup apabila berbual, sembangnya lain, mengumpatnya lain, ketawa terbahak-bahaknya pula lain. Jarang sekali kita melihat ataupun kenal akan wanita-wanita yang dadanya penuh dengan ilmu, lidahnya seringkali dibasahi dzikrullah, matanya melihat hanya kebaikan, hatinya bersih dan dirinya amat tawaddhu'. 

Aku, bukanlah sesempurna mana pun. Dan kerana aku tahu aku tidak sempurna, hanya seorang diri yang penuh cacat cela, maka aku ingin menjadi yang terbaik. Mungkin.....susah. Mungkin....tidak. Apapun jua, hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seirbu dalih. 

Lagipun, sahabiyyah-sahabiyyah Rasulullah salallahu 'alaihi wa salam adalah wanita-wanita paling hebat sekali di dunia. Martabat mereka juga diangkat tinggi oleh Allah 'azza wa jalla, di Akhirat sana. Merekalah wanita-wanita yang telah dijanjikan syurga.

Sebenarnya kehidupan kita buat sementara sahaja. Yang penting bagi seseorang insan adalah akal dan hatinya, ilmu & taqwa, bukan sahaja kecantikkan, kemewahan, dikenali ramai dll.